Nov. 6 is Election Day in the United States of America. Tuesday, about half as many people who vote for American Idol will choose between President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. The future of the country is in the people’s hands now. God help us all.
Our country is at a great crossroads and only you can help make it better. That is why you simply must cast your vote to choose the new President of the United States of Hockey.
Coming up after the jump, meet your candidates, their platforms, Super PACs and see if their slogans will help you make this choice that could affect your children’s children.
Like me, you may be appalled by the political discourse in this nation’s two-party system. That’s why in the United States of Hockey, you don’t have to pick the lesser of two evils.
Here, you get to pick the lesser of seven. God Bless Hockey.
Now it’s time to meet the men sparing no expense to fight for your vote.
Positives: Is Mike Eruzione. Sent the Soviet Union into a tailspin eventually leading to its demise with a single goal. Once rescued teammates from torturous conditions after tying Norway. When asked who he plays for, said heroically United States of America, according to Disney lore. Scored the fourth of four goals against the USSR. Now serves as a motivational speaker. Ensured Lake Placid’s economic stability for last 32 years. Scored an important goal.
Negatives: 1980 was 32 years ago.
Super PAC: Americans Who Live in Fear of Boris Mikhailov
Campaign Slogan: Believe in miracles. Believe in America.
Positives: NHL’s all-time leading scorer among American-born players. Played active role in hockey’s growth in the state of Texas, which should play well with southern conservatives. Made valiant effort to rescue Detroit’s struggling economy by playing one season with the Red Wings. Friends with celebrities. Made cameo in The Mighty Ducks. Has a Stanley Cup. Looks good in green.
Negatives: Well, this (maybe NSFW) will be tough to come back from.
Super PAC: Americans for Americans Formerly Married to Willa Ford
Campaign Slogan: Forward. I was one.
Positives: From the hardscrabble streets of Flint, worked his way to the highest levels of hockey. Has been to Europe. Speaks softly, carries a big stick, literally. Aggressively American. Grows a mean mustache. Refuses to be tread on. If the United States of Hockey had a constitution, he’d like it a lot.
Negatives: Entire agenda is laid out one Facebook post at a time. Domestic and foreign relations record took a hit when he skipped meeting with President Obama to discuss selling Stanley Cup to China to square up national debt. May take a year off during his term.
Super PAC: Tea Party Patriots for INDIVIDUALS Who Like Freedom and Stuff
Campaign Slogan: Exercise your right as a Free Citizen. Vote Thomas.
Positives: Should energize the youth vote. Has the look of that nice boy next door. Olympian. Stanley Cup Champion. One of the most exciting American talents in the NHL today.
Super PAC: Americans for Just Having a Good Time, Man.
Campaign Slogan: Four More Beers? Four More Beers.
Positives: Architect of the 2010 Olympic silver medalists. Architect of 2007 Stanley Cup Champion. Advocate for LGBT rights. Wears emotions on his sleeve. Former Maine Mariner. Infiltrated proud Canadian business, created dozens of jobs for fellow Americans. Is already a president.
Negatives: Works in Canada. Has been known to settle disputes via fisticuffs in a rented barn. Has trouble tying ties.
Super PAC: Restoring Our Pugnacity and Belligerence
Campaign Slogan: America. Worth way more than two firsts and a second.
Positives: Short and to the point. Aggressive. Dog lover. Doesn’t pander to the lame-stream media. Guided Tampa to a Stanley Cup. Comes with Henrik Lundqvist. Eradicated America’s Sean Avery problem.
Negatives: Too short, sometimes without the point. Meany head. Worked for TSN, a suspected Canadian terrorist cell.
Super PAC: Citizens Against Larry Brooks
Campaign Slogan: Next Question.
Positives: Tough on defense. A salty veteran. Arguably the best American to ever play the game. Captained many a national team. Stabilized Detroit’s struggling economy one Cheli’s Chili bowl at a time.
Negatives: Retired a Detroit Red Wing. Would likely stay in office long after he’s effective. This. The 1998 Olympics. Contributed to national indigestion problem one Cheli’s Chili bowl at a time.
Super PAC: Octogenarians Who Like Soup, Chili Bureau
Campaign Slogan: You’re Never Getting Rid of Me, America.
Now that you’ve met the candidates, it’s time to cast your vote. It is your civic duty. I can’t be more serious. This is important. So important you don’t even have to be American to vote. So vote early, vote often.
THE POLLS ARE NOW OPEN. They will remain open until 11:59 p.m. CST Tuesday, or they might just stay open because I don’t know how to close the poll. Results will be revealed tentatively on Wednesday, unless there’s a recount. Then it may take weeks.
UPDATED 10:04 p.m. CST: All major media outlets now projecting John Tortorella to win the United States of Hockey Presidential Election with 32% of the vote two hours before polls are to close. Tortorella couldn’t be be immediately reached for comment, naturally.
Candidates should begin filing their concession remarks soon. We’ll update as they become available.